Straight Outta Hogwarts
by AwksFayce
Summary: If you had... One spell. One opportunity... To defeat the Dark Lord in the baddest rap battle. Would you do it? Or would you let your wand slip?
1. 8 Privet Drive Mile Road Thing

Harry Potter had been so happy to be picked up by Hagrid that day on that random ramshackle shack, where Hagrid gave him his first birthday present ever. A cake he had sat on, but whatever, that just made it better. It was home-made and pink. Why pink? Who knows, maybe that was just Hagrid's favorite color, who knows. You don't know his life story, this book wasn't about him. This book was about Harry Wandflippin Potter. The One Who Lived was what they called him.

When Harry entered the magical world, people were already all up on him. They were like, "Ohh, Harry! You're so cool! Wow! You got a scar!" and Harry didn't let that go to his head. Oh, no. Instead of having cool spells and owls, and turning cups into mouses, and mouses into goblets, Harry Wandflippin Potter had to fight an 80-year old snake-man who was stuck being a face on the back of a skinny guy's head. you'd think he would have made a noise when he was suffocating under that turban, but no. That evil snake man was a tricky, crafty blighter.

And that's why Harry knew. He had to fight him.

Harry dealt with fighting Voldemort his entire school year. Who cares that he was literally 11, right? Dumbledore was like 'yeah, let the 11 year old fight the scariest wizard-snake in the entire wizarding world, it'll be fine. Let me eat my lemondrops, darn.'

So, Harry had to fight Voldemort as a little kid. Most kids are freaking out about tests, and here's this punk who fights the baddest wizard in the rapping world since he was literally a baby.

Harry dealt with this pressure his entire life until he realized that in order to beat Voldemort, and be able to live the life he wanted, he would have to do more than just have a school-year hobby of being a pain in this snake-man's booty. he had to make huge amounts of money. He figured he already had fans because of his scar, so getting a fanbase would be nothing.

Forget this Triwizard tournament! He was going to become a spitfire rapper. The baddest rapper the entire British wizarding community had ever seen. That would really irk Voldemort.

Harry vaguely heard Hermione talking to him over his own thoughts. All Harry heard was a great beat in the background, slipping him effortlessly into a montage in which Harry wrote down a bunch of rhyming lyrics and made hand gestures at people. Especially Voldemort.

"Harry, I really think you should get ready for your Triwizard tournament, I mean, you're fighting a dragon. Like, a real dragon. I don't think you understand how big of a deal this is, Harry. This is gonna be scary, Harry. Harry, Scary. Wow, I can Rhyme. I'm a poet and I-"

"DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT, HERMIONE." Harry jumped up, knocking an entire section of tables in the Great Hall over. Ron was glad he picked up his prune juice and pumpkin cakes. "THAT'S IT, GUYS. I'm not Harry anymore. I'm...

The Boy Who Burned." He nodded at the name with a slowly creeping smile on his face, a slow laughter brewing under his voice. Hermione and Ron were frightened.

Harry then abruptly left the Great Hall in an awkward half-run.


	2. Go Draco Its not your birthday?

Draco really hated this year. So first off, Precious Harry Potter gets even more people to look at him because his name got drawn from that cup? Unless he was mistaken, Harry was not old enough to be in the tournament! Draco wanted to be in the tournament!

Draco lifted the mic to his mouth and slicked his hair back, making sure it was good as the beat began. That house-elf was a traitor, but he dropped some mad beats, man. He watched as Harry made weird hand gestures at him before he was silent, the beat still rolling.

Draco sneered, "Choking, Potter?"

Harry was silent before his eyes opened and he glared at Draco. "You. Wish."

Harry stepped back and began yelling over the beat, _"IF YOU HAD... ONE SPELL... ONE OPPORTUNITY... TO DEFEAT THE DARK LORD IN AN EPIC RAP BATTLE... WOULD YOU DO IT? OR WOULD YOU LET IT SLIP? DRACO._  
 _YOUR MOM IS READY, KNEES WEAK, YOUR WAND'S SPAGHETTI._  
 _DRACO'S HOUSE ELF RUSHIN' TO SERVE ME, DOBBY MADE ME A BEAT SO HEAVY._  
 _HE'S NERVOUS, BUT HE SLICKED HIS HAIR BACK WITH PATROLEUM JELLY._  
 _NO STRAY HAIRS, HELPS COVER UP THAT HE'S JELLY,_  
 _OF MY FAME, BUT HE KEEPS ON FORGETTING:_  
 _THAT I WHOOPED DOWN SOME SNAKEMAN BUM WHEN I WAS A BABY!_  
 _COULD YOU DO THAT? NO, HIS WAND'S TOO HEAVY._  
 _MAYBE WHEN YOU WERE A FERRET, YOU CAUGHT SOME RABIES,_  
 _THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOU'RE ACTIN' CRAZY,_  
 _THINKING THAT YOU COULD BEAT ME._  
 _LET ME GIVE YOU A CLUE, HERE, LET ME HOLLER:_  
 _DRACO, YOU CAN'T BEAT HARRY WANDFLIPPIN' POTTER._  
 _I KNOW THAT YOU WANNA HAVE ATTENTION, YOU WANNA GET REGAILED,_  
 _BUT IM HERE TO TELL YOUR SNAKEY SELF TO GO EAT YOUR OWN TAIL,_  
 _AND JUST IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED,_  
 _YOU CAN TELL EVERYONE I'M THE BOY WHO BURNED... "_

Then Harry sort of fidgeted with the wand, making sure it was on and muttered into it, "You... I meant I burned you. Not that I burned. For clarification. Uh..." He glanced at Draco, who looked thoroughly unimpressed and handed the mic over with the meanest scowl he could while flashing hand gestures before walking away from the front of the Great Hall. The beat was still going for a while, before Draco realized it was his turn. Wow, this was difficult without someone yelling things and passing the mic.

Just as Harry was standing there while the house elf beatboxed, there was a loud dramatic crash of doors, and there was Snape in all of his gothy Slytherin glory. Of course Snape can't enter a room normally, so he just threw it open because he had some lack-of-girlfriend issues in high school or something, who knows really.

"Out of the way, Potter, I heard a beat and some mumbled words and I knew exactly what was happening. Draco, what are you doing here...?"

Draco looked afraid. "I- No, I wasn't."

Snape seen the mic in his hand and the house elf spitting beats and connected the dots. "...Draco, how could you..." He looked at him and loomed over. "Rap battling is serious business, Draco, it can destroy beings as quickly as any spell or potion. Spitting mad rhymes can also make people say some things... Join some groups... Insult the only love of their entire lonesome goth-ridden life..."

Snape's pupils were huge. So were Draco's. Harry had no idea what the heck they were talking about.

"Are you gonna say anything back, or? Cause if you don't, I win!" Harry called over to them, making Draco casually shove Proffesor Snape to the side, scooching the man over, who was lost in old memories and flashbacks that wouldn't even be hinted at for another 4 books or 5 movies. So whatever, he's laying on a table or something for now.

Draco let Dobby slow down out of dehydration before he started. _"First things first, I'm the realest..._  
 _Join the Death Eaters, let the whole school hear it!_  
 _And wait until my father hears about this,_  
 _I can make ya go up, like I'm givin' flying lessons."_

 _Harry rose his eyebrows at this. Snape was still in a flashback coma._

 _"You don't wanna fight a Slytherin like this,_  
 _Even though I'm bad-A, I don't like to kick kittens._  
 _Cup of gillywater, firewhiskey, butterbeer,_  
 _and you'd still be the most ugly wizard in here!_  
 _You gave my house-elf a sock, now he's dropping bass,_  
 _Was it worth your parent's dying to get that scar on your face?_  
 _worth a skull tattoo on my wrist. Yeah!_  
 _I'm a pureblood, and I don't think you are!_  
 _And I'm the most Slytherin student,_  
 _From Voldemort to Salazar!"_

And then for some reason Draco just stood there with the mic and a weird wide-eyed expression. Then he promptly fell over onto the floor and Snape was there, scowling at him.  
"DRACO, MY GAHDSON." He picked him up by the back of his shirt, "You stop with these rap battles, I don't know what you said, but best be careful how you say things in rap." He glared at Harry. "Ad tell that insufferable house elf to stop." Snape scowled and stormed out. "There will be no rap battles while I'm around, Potter!" And he left with Draco trying to squirm out of his shirt with a flop to the ground.

"That's... well..." Harry shuffled for a moment, then spoke up, "The Boy Who Burned wins again! The crowd goes wild! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."


End file.
